Cutter, Hammer, and Bingo
by clair beaubien
Summary: Dean gets very very bad news about his favorite show.


"Oh God. No. Tell me it isn't real. God. Who the hell – what – geesh – you have GOT to be kidding me…"

Sam came into the cabin carrying his plastic bags of groceries to find Dean grumping and complaining and practically throwing a bitch-fit at something on his computer.

"Dean - ?"

"I thought it was going to be better – I thought – I really thought –" Dean gestured at the computer, using that backhanded chopping motion that Dad used to have too, the gesture that meant he was thoroughly confused, disgusted, and fed up, all at the same time. "Do you know what he did?"

"_Whooo_?" Sam drew out the question in sing-song as he set the plastic bags on the splintered wooden countertop and turned back to Dean.

"Cutter! Jeremy Cutter! You know what he did?!"

"I don't even know who he is." Sam said and Dean gave him a thoroughly disgusted exhalation.

"_Cutter!_" He said again, as though that would make Sam understand. He was quite obviously pissed. "Dr. McSexy? He's the new showrunner for Dr. McSexy! He replaced Sally Bingo or whatever the hell her name was, the old showrunner who absolutely ruined the show. And now – do you know what he did?"

Sam didn't try too hard, he ran a few thoughts through his head, but nothing suggested itself that might make Dean this upset. He shrugged.

"I don't know, Dean. What?"

"_He hired Amanda Hammer as a recurring character for the show!"_

Sam paused. He waited. Still nothing came to him what Dean was talking about. He lifted his eyebrows and tilted his head in question.

"Ugh!" Dean actually literally threw up his hands in disgust. "_Amanda Hammer!"_ He said again. Again – like it would make Sam understand. "She's that old actress from that show, _Astroportal_. Remember? The military found a way to go planet-hopping and she was the token woman on the show?"

"Uh – " Sam thought but – no – he didn't remember. Not even vaguely. "No?"

Dean shook his head in even more disgust and apparently gave up hoping Sam knew what he was talking about.

"She's as old as Ellen, Amanda Hammer is, or actually, she's even older, and that show played her character like she was some sweet young thing that every man fell for. And even when she nearly blew up earth and when she let the Demolisher of Planets use her computer and nearly take over the galaxy and when she refused to kill the head Duplicator because she got all emo about it – all the head of the Pentagon – her boss and boyfriend - ever told her was 'good job, soldier!' She totally ruined that show and now Cutter _hired her as a recurring character!"_

This apparently was news more troubling and abhorrent to Dean than almost any monster they'd yet encountered. And still Sam had only a vague idea what was going on.

Still, he tried.

"Okay. Well – recurring means she'll only be on a few times…"

"Oh, no. You don't know how the Mean TV Fairies work." Dean said. Sam held back from saying, '_obviously not'_ and just listened to Dean rant. "See – all this time they've been hinting on the show about some big important hot shot who owns the hospital and controls it from afar only we've never seen who that is so now – now that they've hired Hammer as '_no-nonsense nurse whose no-nonsense demeanor hides deeper emotionalities_' –" Dean read that from his computer screen, " – don't you see? _She's_ going to be the big important hot shot who owns the hospital. She's going to end up being the most important character ever on the show. You watch - she's going to be _God_ on that show."

"Dean – c'mon, man. Don't you think you're overreacting? Even just a little? I mean – y'know – it's just a TV show."

"That's not the point, Sammy. The point is I trusted Cutter to give me back the show the way it used to be. I mean – Bingo ruined it. She absolutely ruined it. She had absolutely no concept of creating moral conflict in the characters or giving them an over-arcing struggle that they had a personal stake in –"

Apparently taken Sam's incredulity at his astute insights into storytelling for confusion, Dean stopped his current rant to explain.

"Ever hear the expression, 'he's got no dog in this fight'? Well, she had a whole year of a storyline that no character had a stake in. You know I gave up watching the show just because Bingo ruined it. And when they fired her ass and brought Cutter back on – _he used to write for the show_ –" Dean added that as a running aside, "I thought everything was going to be fine, great, perfect, and we'd get a show back that actually made sense and maybe told a good story but - _noooooooo_. He has to hire Amanda F-N Hammer to totally ruin the show."

He threw his hands up, slammed his computer shut, and stood up from the table.

"That's it! I give up. That show is ruined for me. _Again_. I'll never be able to watch it."

"I got you pie…" Sam offered, hopefully & hesitantly, trying to get Dean's mind on something else. Dean didn't have much in the world that brought him even momentary enjoyment – apparently Dr. McSexy was in danger of being thrown out of that category - but pie was still one of those things.

"No – forget it. I've lost the will to live." Dean proclaimed. But Sam knew if he waited just a few long seconds, Dean would ask, "What kind of pie?"

"_Apple_…" Sam sing-songed again. Dean wavered but shrugged a shoulder towards the make-shift kitchen.

"Coffee's still hot." He said it practically in a mumble, giving in reluctantly to the power of pie.

"I'll get the plates."

In a few minutes, they were at the table with pie and coffee, and the computer that had revealed the offending information was relegated to the floor under Dean's bed.

"Has the new season even started yet?" Sam asked.

"No, another week and a half." Dean grumbled.

"And when does 'she-who-shall-not-be-named' first show up?"

"Episode seven."

"So – you've got six episodes to enjoy before she ruins it for you." Sam offered. Dean '_pffffffft'_ him, loud and long. "It might be okay." Sam still tried. "She might not ruin it."

"She's _already_ ruined it." Dean insisted. "Just having her name associated with the show tainted it for me forever. And with my luck – " He stabbed a chunk of pie onto his fork and gestured with it. " – it'll end up being even worse than I'm imagining. You wait and see. She's going to _ruin_ it."

He bit the pie off of his fork and as he chewed, his eyes lit up.

"That's _it!"_ Dean said. "I bet she made some kind of deal! That's gotta be why every show she's been on makes such a big deal about her." He stabbed another chunk of pie and nodded sagely at Sam. "I am _so_ looking into that."

That thought apparently re-energized Dean. He finished his pie and coffee and retrieved his computer from exile under his bed.

"If I have anything to say about it – she is going _down."_

Sam smiled but didn't say anything and just watched Dean throw himself into his new quest. Sam hoped, for Dean's sake, that things wouldn't turn out as bad as he expected.

The End.


End file.
